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Boca News November 24, 1996
That was the first step in what the family claim was nothing short of a miraculous turnaround for their Fort Lauderdale Family. In June, they enrolled in Homrich's parenting course, "Redirecting Children's Behavior." By the end of the course, which is given in two sessions three weeks apart, the family rediscovered the cooperation and respect they had once known as a family. "It's still working," says the mother, who works in her husband's real-estate office. Four months after completing the course, she says, "My husband and I love each other, and my son and I actually hug each other and love each other." Homrich, a behavior modification specialist in Delray Beach, teaches families to recognize the key behaviors that cause conflict, and then to work themselves out of the situation. Many family problems are merely symptoms of a power struggle between parent and child, says Homrich, who teaches parent how to end those struggles - without giving in, and without pulling rank. Homrich says that when she starts a class, "I always tell them, 'You think you're here so your children's behavior will be redirected, but you're here to learn how to redirect your own behavior...Other people's behavior often is reactive to mine." The family was basically healthy, but they had the problems experienced by many teens and their parents. There sons grades were poor, he had a steady stream of traffic tickets for speeding and reckless driving, and he wouldn't do any chores around the house. Despite having a part-time job, he was constantly asking his parents for money. And
his father would just give it to him. The real problem was that his parents had
completely opposite ways of dealing with him. the son, 46, just refused to do anything,
while mom nagged and demanded and reprimanded - and got nowhere. "It was me trying to be an authoritarian, my husband being too loose and our son thinking he didn't have to listen to anything we said," she recalls. "The son was turning his back on everything, saying, "Oh, boys will be boys." I was not getting the support of my husband. My son and I absolutely hated each other, and it was hurting my relationship with my husband." Homrich calls it "toxic parenting," this conflict of authoritarian and laissez-faire styles of control. "It's like when you mix ammonia and bleach - you get toxic fumes. When you mix autocratic and laissez-faire styles, you get toxic parenting." Homrich told the family to sit down as a group and negotiate the house rules. Each side put terms on the table, and they worked out a list of rules agreeable to all. As with all proper negotiation, compromise came into play. The parents wanted their son to have a midnight curfew. He wanted to push that to 12:30 am. "So we said he could get home at 12:20 and be in bed with lights out at 12:30," his mother says. "That way he feels he's gotten something, and what's another 20 minutes?" Homrich says negotiation works with children of all ages. It's especially good with the teen who complains that "you treat me like a baby." How can she argue that, when her parents are treating her like an equal and actually listening to her? With negotiation, Homrich says, "There's a bigger chance you're going to get from me what you want. If you don't, then we never had and agreement." "Negotiating does more than keep the peace," Homrich says. It also imparts to the teen a valuable life skill. Someday, he may have to deal with losing a promotion - without stomping off to his cubicle and whining that the boss treats him like a baby. | |||
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